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Saturday, September 09, 2006

So, clinical school has started for us lucky folks going to Seremban. So far, it's not been fun - the whole of the first week we have been having briefing after briefing talking about what is expected of us in clinical school. It's like entering year one in school and being given all the homework you're expected to hand up at the end of grade school.

I have been very very distressed of late. I really wonder if this is the right course for me. Faced with the stress of doing hospital work, moving away from home, staying away from my family, saying goodbye to my old circle of friends...

I don't want to do this.

I don't want to have to do this.

I am not happy.

I am lonely, sad and confused.

I have been crying every single night since CS has started. I am homesick and lonely.

I'm not ever hungry anymore. I eat when other people around me eat, but in no other scenario. I don't have any mood to play the PS2, even with Dirge of Cerberus staring me in the face. Going online is the only thing that's driving me, going online so that I can email and talk to people I know but aren't here.

I was so happy when Friday came last week and we could go home. I got home at 1pm. I drove as fast as I dared, even though I wasn't alone in the car.

The first thing I did when I got home was run upstairs and go online, since no one was around. The first person I saw was my dad, and when I hugged him he said 'Wow, I didn't think you'd miss us.' The second person I saw was my mom, and when I hugged her I teared up and she said 'Of course, she does...'

Above all, I know that everyone else is facing the same problems and feelings. But you know what? Empathy has taken a sort of backseat for the moment.

I am looking for a way out. And I think I have found it.

I have lost the will to live.

I really don't want to go back there today. I don't want to go back to Seremban, even if it's not for clinical school. I don't want to stay in that house with all my new friends, I don't want to drive down there, I don't want to go back...

And you know what?

You can't make me.

It's something I have to make myself do.

All that excitement about Phase II was a lie. I never felt it, but I pretended I did for the sake of my parents and friends.

You know what? Fuck that. I am going to be true to myself and my feelings.

I know that my parents have poured a lot of effort into sending me to medical school until now. I know that and I feel guilty as hell for what I want to do.

At the start of the course though, my parents told me - as long as I am happy, they will support whatever I want to do. That money is just a tool - a valuable tool that should be respected and valued. But... I'm not happy. I'm not. I'm crying as I type this. Just thinking about going back there brings me to the verge of tears.

I don't know how everyone else can just move on and enjoy clinical school. I just... can't. I've been trying. I'll keep trying. I have to go keep trying. I should keep trying.

For my parents. For my friends. For Man Hee. But I know that ultimately, what everyone wants is for me to be happy. Anyone who doesn't want my happiness...

But there just comes to a point where you don't want to. I feel beaten by a course my colleagues appear to be taking well.

I don't want to go back there.

I'm sorry, Tony.

I'll never be worthy of you.

-ionie
Now playing - Tori no Uta, AIR

7:46 PM

posted by Shiawase 



It is truly alright.